A beginner's guide to Mumbai or Bombay (if you dare)

(Dedicated to all the mumbaikars who can identify and laugh at this portrayal of their daily chaotic life)

RULES

GENERAL RULES

Rule No.1: Never refer to the city as Bombay in public (you never know who is listening).

Rule No.2: Queue up at the BEST bus stop. If it is a small insignificant stop, join the only visible queue or begin one. If you see more than one queue at the larger more crowded stops, pay attention to the bus shelter boards. You have to line up for different buses between the railings separating each queue.

Rule No.3: If you are from the south of the country get used to being referred to as dark and being laughed at if you are unfortunate to speak with a South Indian “accent”, or on the contrary exclamations of surprise if you are fair and accidentally originate from the south.

Rule No.4: If you are in the habit of chewing gutka, pan etc, chew, gather spittle, make an “o” with your lips and blow with gusto at the door (s)/corners of locals, buses, station platforms, lifts and buildings. If you do not fancy this, spit mucous on the roads accompanied by loud snorts (you can do this anywhere in India, just requires practice).

Rule No.5: If you cannot find a public toilet facility, just lift your clothes, bare all and relieve on the railway tracks.

Rule No.6: Please queue up outside the lift, elevator (whatever you choose to call it). Make sure you are in the right queue. Not all lifts service all the floors. There are different lifts for different sets of floors, like say, basement to ground, 1st to the 8, 8th upwards and so on. If you are visiting or working in a commercial or office complex, most likely there is a separate queue for owner’s, directors etc. Do not venture to these queues if you cannot look the part and look down your nose at the liftman.

Rule No 7: If you cannot carry your lunch with you to work, just call for some home cooked food or dubba food (not to be confused with dhaba (s) (littering the highways) or food delivered by the dabbawala’s from your home). If you don’t like the taste or it gets monotonous, just order from a different source every month. Don’t like the idea? Call for some economically priced fare from the nearest zunka bhakar or better still and cheaper and tastier, get a masala sandwich or vada pav if you need to get your daily potato fix.

Rule No.8: Head to the malls for the weekend. All of middleclass Mumbai live at the malls during the weekend. No there is no festival in the offing. It is just the normal rush.

Rule No.9: Don’t waste your money buying expensive clothes, accessories or footwear at the malls. You can pick and choose and get a good bargain at Fashion Street, Colaba Causeway and Linking road in Bandra.

Rule No.10: Long weekends call for special plans. Take off to the hills, Mahabaleshwar, Lonavala, Kandala or Matheran. Or if the weather permits go to the beaches. Madh Island, Alibaug are favourite destinations.

Rule No.11: Cream centre, Rajdhani, New Yorker…let me think. Vegetarians better eat at home.

“LOCAL” RULES

(All references to “local” means a reference to the western or central or harbour line trains plying the length and breadth of Mumbai and its suburbs)

Rule No.1: Absolutely do not make the mistake of forming a queue at the local train station. You will find yourself under the train if you do not move at the speed of lightning. The general rule is to push (hard), elbow fellow passengers with all your might and trample over a few feet if you must.

Rule No.2: Once you have boarded the local, run at your fastest and occupy a preselected seat if available, even if it means that you are playing musical chair everyday and land up sitting on the lap of a fellow passenger. When I say preselected I mean a seat that is not facing the opposite direction of travel, away from the sun, preferably one of the three prime seats as opposed to the fourth and uncomfortable half seat.

Rule No.3: If you are to board a local after 10.30 am. most likely the number of passengers waiting are equal to the number of seats available. All the same, do not hesitate; follow rule number 1 and 2 above. It is a must.

Rule No.4: If you see a not so well dressed passenger heading to the first class compartment or for that matter seated in the first class compartment. Please do not hesitate to tell her or him that she/he is headed the wrong way or seated in the wrong compartment. It is okay to be presumptuous and judgemental.

Rule No.5: If some stranger pokes you and looks askance at you on the local. Please reply or you would be considered rude. Just immediately reveal your destination stop, or you will be the target of some choice words or looks of disapproval.

Rule No.6: Make sure you know the correct exit door to disembark from the local at beforehand and queue up, preferably two stations ahead if the train is crowded. And don’t forget, enquire with the passenger in front if you are indeed standing in the right queue.

Rule No.7: If you are new and unprepared never stand at the entrance of a local, you may find yourself mauled and offloaded.

Rule No 8: No matter how crowded the locals or buses are, please, please always carry your mobile phone, MP3 players or ipod in your hand. And don’t forget to keep a conversation going in between the elbowing and trampling. The general idea is to drop it and then get all and sundry to search for it and then probably shed a tear.

Rule No 9: Carry a book or ipod or make a few friends on the locals to while away the time to your destination which is usually never less than 45 minutes to an hour away. If you are taking a longer ride, consider the option of chopping vegetables, singing with a group, knitting, embroidery, making long marketing calls, studying (if you are a student), reading your case files or drafting/reviewing responses or other transaction documents (if you are a lawyer), or just filling pages with hare ram or hare krishn or what ever is your current religious pastime. You can also read the hanuman chalisa.

Rule No 10: If you are travelling by the local do not wear footwear with heels and ensure you can either buckle of velcro your footwear on, even if it is unfashionable. You may find on many an occasion that you have just left behind your expensive footwear on the platform or under the wheels. Better still carry your good pair in your bag.

Rule No 11: The minute your disembark from the local, do not wait, RUN, get as far away from the entrance as possible. If you delay, chances are that you will be crawling or kneeled or flat.

Rule No 12: Keep that branded or expensive watch at home. Definitely not to be worn on the locals. They don’t last long. Either the strap gets broken or the dial goes missing when you are struggling with fellow passenger to board or alight.

Rule No 13: If you are travelling first class on the locals, keep your sun glasses on. How else can we mumbaikars (even the newly baptised ones) admire the branded, fashionable accessories on display.

Rule No 14: If you are to board the local from an intermediate stop. Board, struggle and push your way in, enquire of all passengers their destinations and reserve yourself a seat.

Rule No 15: If you are bored and need an adrenalin rush. Help is at hand. Just turn around to any fellow passenger at random and poke or jibe or place yourself in an awkward position, so as to block their view or way. You can exchange a few choice gallis in any language till you reach your destination.

Rule No 16: God forbid, if a fish monger or some such unworthy creature dare enter the local, please feel free to teach her a few manners and definitely don’t forget to put her in her place.

Rule No.17: Discuss your love life, neighbour, problems with your maid, your lazy spouse or your problems at work with perfect strangers on the local at the top of your voice. It may relieve stress.

Rule No.18: Take sweets and savouries for your “train friends” on your birthdays and anniversaries. Don’t forget to treat them on your son’s birthday or daughter’s graduation too. Take a few extra for the others sitting in your compartment if need be.

Rule No.19: Form a gang on the local, a girl gang comes in handy (I don’t know if there are guy gangs). You can go for movies together, or the occasional lunch or dinner. But more importantly, your girl gang members will reserve seats on the local for you, allow you to occupy her/their seat(s) if you come running and gasping for breadth at the last moment, take turns to sit, or even hold your bag.

Rule No. 20: Don’t be foolish. Never ever give your seat to an old woman or pregnant woman. There are old women and pregnant women on every local, everyday. After all the trouble you took to ensure you get a seat (like pushing, elbowing, trampling, playing musical chairs etc) you cannot just give your seat away to the elderly or the needy.

Rule No.21: If you are seated on the fourth seat (only because the three beauties seated in the prime three seats took mercy on you), please do not push the passenger seated on the third seat with your elbow or back. And if you are the passenger seated on the third prime seat, please do not push the passenger seated on the fourth seat with your elbow or adjust your posture. You may not like what happens next. Try it next time you travel on the local.

TRIVIA

Trivia No.1: Bhaiyya means a derogatory reference (by mumbaikars) to people from Uttar Pradesh and Bihar. All conversations about infrastructure and cleanliness are interspersed with references to Bhaiyyas and their immense contribution to the upkeep and usage of same.

Trivia No 2: I am not even going to explain who a “madrasi” is.

Trivia No.3: Almost every little novelty item sold on the local trains range between Rs.5 and Rs.10. A immaculate set of sewing needles, a pair of danglers, a jelly rubbery Spiderman, vessel scrub, hair clips, stickers, fancy pencils and erasers, plastic folders, bangles, rings, bindi’s, chains, name it and you can have it.

Trivia No.4: Auto rickshaw drivers will charge you only the meter fare and will return even a rupee given extra.

Trivia No. 5: You can buy shorts, nightdresses, kurta’s, pyjamas, all the items mentioned at trivia no 3, vegetables, snacks, chocolates, cosmetics, sweets, books, magazines, flowers, balloons, toys and every other conceivable knickknack from the vendors on the locals at very reasonable prices.

Trivia No. 6: Most mumbaikars are not aware that the rest of the country (other than a sizeable amount of the population in other metros) live in “independent” houses, not row houses. Some call their row houses bungalows.

Trivia No.7: If you live in South Mumbai, Bandra or Juhu you are the elite.

Trivia No.8: The traffic is the same at 6.00 pm and at midnight. Don’t be confused. Your wristwatch is still working.

Trivia No.9: If you are not concerned about being up to date on the current fashion or bollywood gossip and you just need to spend a couple of hours fruitfully occupied, old magazines (from the previous month), are sold by vendors on the locals for dirt cheap rates.

Trivia No.10: You get 5 bananas for Rs.10 or 6 oranges for Rs. 20 from the vendors on local trains and outside the stations. The prices at the local markets or vegetable stalls are usually double.

Trivia No.11: You can buy an excellent bouquet of dahlias from the road side beggar boy for just Rs.10. They ask for Rs.40, but the trick is not to bargain, just act uninterested. Before your vehicle speeds off from the traffic signal, thrust a ten rupee note from your window and you can have your bouquet. Don’t know why they are so cheap, could be second hand flowers from the five star hotel nearby, or flowers thrown out by the florist the previous day.

Trivia No.12: Cheap pirated paperback editions of all newly published books are available at the traffic signals. Little boys risk life and limb to run between the traffic to sell these books. Don’t be surprised if you are asked for a lift to the next signal and you are told a spiel about needing the money to fund his education (if you appear gullible). You will be soon parting with your hard earned cash against your better judgement, buying yourself a pirated book (against your principles, if you have any) before you know it.

Trivia No. 13: You will meet little beggar boys at traffic signals asking for money to buy a vada pav or samosa as they are hungry. If you have wondered if they eat vada pav’s or samosa’s the whole day. Well you will never know.

Trivia No.14: Take a ride in the Mumbai taxi, day or night. You are sure to get home safe.

Trivia No.15: Chances are that you may meet a long lost friend, from school or college or an ex colleague on the Mumbai local, immaterial of where you schooled, attended college or worked in India.

Trivia No.16: Chat in amchi Mumbai is good. Even at the mall.